Like Searching For Words For Years, But Never Being Able To Say Them

Monetochka dropped a new song on Valentine's Day, a three-minute pop song with an edgy, indie feel that piqued my curiosity.

Monetochka, or to use the correct language and script Монеточка, is a 27-year old Russian singer-songwriter who has been putting her own music out there since 2015. Her given name (or English translation of) is Yelizaveta Andreyevna Gyrdymova and Monetochka roughly translates as "LIttle Coin".

Селфхарм is catchy and the lyrics are plentiful, Monetochka delivering in a half-singing/half-rap style. The video starts off with a photo shoot at a school, though there's a swift break in Monetochka's mask of happiness.

The video cuts to a snow-covered beach with a lover (The past? A fantasy?), a nighttime bus stop watching young romantics, a lonely ride home on the back seat, watching others' happiness, before the song closes back on the back, Monetochka and her love wrapped in a blanket.

I was intrigued to know more about the narrative, looked up the lyrics and fed them into an online translator. 

The first surprise is that Селфхарм translates as "Self Harm". Not the first time Monetochka has courted controversy for her songs and subject matter, apparently. Russian lawyer Sergei Afanasyev claimed that her 2018 song Чайлдфри ("Child Free") promoted teen suicide; others argued to the contrary. 

Fan comments in response to Селфхарм suggest that the themes of loneliness, anxiety and self-doubt have been transformed into "an anthem of love".

Monetochka married in 2020 and left Russia in 2022, currently residing in Lithuania with her husband and two children. 

In 2023, Russia's Ministry of Justice's placed Monetochka on their "foreign agent" list, a tool used to stigmatize and criminalise individuals, particularly those critical of the Kremlin or the invasion of Ukraine. 

Monetochka toured with Noize MC in 2022, raising over €200,000 for a Polish charity that helped refugees resulting from the latter.

In 2024, a criminal case was opened against Monetochka for "evading the duties of a foreign agent". 

Considering that an hour before starting this post, I'd never heard of Monetochka, that random, chance encounter with one song has been quite the education....

This is the online translation of the lyrics to Селфхарм: 

I smell like self harm, I smell like a really bad plan
I smell like childhood trauma and tantrums until the morning
An awkward pause, a room without air
I smell like mistrust of therapists, and
My scent is 100% cortisol
I hide my feelings behind a clown mask, lol

I smell like jealousy and hatred, but
Don't be afraid, I'll punish myself later
I smell like eight hours of scrolling TikTok
I smell like electricity, like "don't come near me - it'll kill you"
Like a crocodile, like the slow woman in front

When the path is narrow and there's no way around it
I smell like the fear of looking you in the eye
Like searching for words for years, but never being able to say them
I smell like exposed wire, panic without cause
A depressive city



[Chorus]
And you smell like peace, like silence in my head
You're like ten hours of uninterrupted sleep
You're Thursday, you're 4:00 PM, you're chamomile tea and peace
I'm always crying, but you smell like those tearless shampoos
Like care, like home, like the ability to take things seriously
And love for a long time, love endlessly

And you smell like peace, like silence in my head.
You're like ten hours of uninterrupted sleep.
You're Thursday, you're 4:00 PM, you're chamomile tea and peace.
I'm always crying, but you smell like those tearless shampoos.
Like care, like home, like the ability to take things seriously.
And to love for a long time, to love endlessly.



I smell like crap, but I beg you, wait.
I won't ask for much, my request is simple:
Please, let me lie down on top of you.
Like you're sand, and I'm a stingray or a catfish.
I'd like to calm down in your serene arms.
But I smell like fear, like running away in a hurry.

Like waking me up in the middle of the night, talking in tears.
Like biting my nails or licking my lips until they bleed.
Like a caged tiger, nervously pacing.
How to embellish to please others
Like a scratched screen, a missed call
Like an untreated neurosis, a leaky ceiling

I smell like the fear of looking you in the eye
Like searching for words for years, but never saying them
And in that sense, you've been very lucky
Otherwise, you know, it would have been neither one thing nor the other



[Chorus]
And you smell like peace, like silence in my head
You're like ten hours of uninterrupted sleep
You're Thursday, you're 4:00 PM, you're chamomile tea and peace
I'm always crying, but you smell like those tearless shampoos
Like care, like home, like the ability to take things seriously
And love for a long time, love endlessly

And you smell like peace, like silence in my head.
You're like ten hours of uninterrupted sleep.
You're Thursday, you're 4:00 PM, you're chamomile tea and peace.
I'm always crying, but you smell like those tearless shampoos.
Like care, like home, like the ability to take things seriously.
And to love for a long time, to love endlessly.